Why Some Children with Selective Mutism Speak Less Around Parents

Selective Mutism (SM) is a complex anxiety disorder that can present in many unexpected ways. One intriguing and sometimes confusing pattern is when children with SM speak less in the presence of their parents. This can leave parents feeling puzzled, or even hurt, especially if they hear stories of their child talking freely with others when they’re not around.

Common Scenarios

A child chats away with grandparents, only to stop talking when their parents return.
Teachers might report that a child participates and speaks during class, yet doesn't speak at pick-up time when their parent arrives.

If you’re a parent noticing this pattern, it’s important to understand that this behaviour isn’t personal.

It’s NOT Personal!!

This behaviour doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong as a parent. You are not causing anxiety or failing to support your child. Instead, it’s a natural response linked to the unique way anxiety manifests in children with Selective Mutism.

Why Does This Happen?

Several factors can help to explain why children with SM may speak less around their parents:

Feeling in the Spotlight: Children with SM are often hypervigilant and feel as though their every action is under scrutiny. The presence of a parent - someone they deeply care about pleasing - can intensify this feeling.
Fear of Comments: Children with SM may fear that speaking in front of their parents will lead to comments or praise, even if well-meaning. Statements like “I’m so proud of you for talking!” can inadvertently create pressure.
Learned Behaviour: Naturally, parents of children with SM often “rescue” their child by answering for them when they’re struggling.

Important Points to Remember

It’s crucial to remind yourself of the following:

It’s not your fault. This behaviour is a common part of SM and doesn’t reflect negatively on you as the parent.
Children with SM are highly sensitive and hyperaware. Even subtle cues, such as a quick glance or change in tone, can feel amplified to these very sensitive children.

What You Can Do

Have Open Conversations: If your child is ready, reassure them that you won’t comment or draw attention when they speak to others. Let them know you understand and respect their feelings.
Stay Neutral: Avoid showing visible reactions, such as surprise or excitement, when your child talks. This can help reduce their fear of being observed.
Wait a Few Seconds: Give your child space to answer questions if they can. If you pause before answering for them, they might surprise you and start speaking on their own! This simple pause can allow your child time to process and build confidence.